progressus imprimus

Tales of Adventure

Stories told by the players of Progress Quest, selected by our editorial staff.

The Adventures of Runix

Delicious flash adventures by Joe Cabot
The Big Quest
The Ice Menace

Fung-Shway and the Succubus

So Im just chillin in the Killing Fields trying to hook up with a succubus and along comes a preadolescent Baazlebul trying to start some shit. Well, being the pimping Panda Man I am, I cast Dropsy on him and gak his pants.

Now Im thinking hooking up with a succubus should be cake with my new pants, but everytime I try to talk to one of em, some loser tries to cut in on my action and I have to brain em with my +7 Steely Vicious Poleax. While all of the quartz giant crystals and yeti furs are good for my bank account, its not getting me any closer to getting laid or finishing my quest.

So I cast Nestor's Bright Idea, and it hits me. I have got to move fast with these Succubi. I don't got time to sit around yaking or making Frost Giant Snowmen to impress em, I have to go in for the quick score before some Shambling mound comes around.

A few more casts of Nestor's Bright Idea and Clever Fellow, and I know what I need.

I already got the pants, so I go find 2 Hair Elementals and bash them with my +3 Cambric Fine Magnetic Sheild. Can't risk cutting the follicle's you see. Now my Panda Man Do is tight, so I go running off to find a Proverbial Fleece of Envy. 3 undernourished Efreets later, bam! I'm in business. I drop a Lether Golem for a whip which is just bonus. Im off to find my succubus now.

I find one, check around to make sure the coast is clear and all that is nearby is a comatos Silver Dragon so I make my move.

My new clothes and hair are too much for her and she starts ripping em off to get at me. Dragon is still comatos, Im thinking life is good when I realize I forgot to get my porn elemental lube! Craptastic!

Quick as lightning, I cast Invisible Hands VII on the Succubus to keep her hot and happy and I run off to find some porn elementals. I have to smack down 3 underage Ettins who were attacking a beer elemental, but I finally get the beer elemental to tell me where the porn elementals are after a few rounds. I find em, get my lube, and hurry back to the succubus.

Invisible Hands VII is still up, but I have 2 new problems. Orcus and Yeenoghu are there and my Succubus is complaining she is thristy. Fuck. Lucky for me Orcus and Yeenoghu are starting to fight each other over who gets the succubus so I have some time. Knowing my Inivisible Hands isn't going to last the whole time, I hit the Succubus with Slime Finger XII and run off to find some water.

Knowing what a high class girl she is, I know I gotta go get her the best, which means the Titanic Chromatic Dragon. I gear up for a fight, find the dragon, and start chain casting on him like mad. I hit him with my 2 tumor spells, Benign and Maligant, and a Cone of Annoyance. While he's distracted, I Gyp him outta his water and Briangate back to my Succubus with a bottle of Chromatic Dragon Mineral Water. I know you Battle-Felon's out there will complain that I didn't kill the Dragon, but hey, we Puma Burglur's do things our way, not by the book.

I get back just in time to see Orcus finish off Yeenoghu with his wand. I toss the water to the Succubus, cast Animate Nightstand and sick the pet on Orcus. I know the Nightstand isn't going to last long, but it gives me enough time to cast Holy Batpole on Orcus and that rocks his world good. Once that lands, I just Rabbit punch him to death, pick up his wand and put it to good use on that Succubus. Holy Batpole is the bomb.

After a few hours with the Succubus, we go back to town. I sell my phat lewtz and drop off the Succubus at the local pimp.

I have to say, the Quest: Deliver this Hoe, has got to be one of the toughest in the game to date, but the reward is well worth it.

This game rocks ass.....

26th level Panda Man Puma Burglur

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